Being Malleable

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed to be heading back into surgery this coming week (for the 8^th time). The reversal of my ileostomy (poop bag) in 2015 was supposed to be the last time I went under the knife. My mind convinced me of that, ­­­­but I guess my body had other ideas.

I have waited for 7 months for this surgery due to COVID delays, only for it to be postposed again in the last week. The psychological toll of preparing for surgery then getting that call for a postponement is enormous.

With so many surgeries under my belt (quite literally) the chances of complications are higher than most. Every time the body goes through the physical process of healing it creates scar tissue that although necessary for repair makes it harder to dismantle.

Although I have done a lot of work on myself in the last few years it doesn’t mean that fear isn’t a very real (albeit unwelcome) friend right now.

DocLeBrocq was borne out of my voyage to healing. My courses, books and classes are designed to support other women in their journeys … the journey that they will take to growth and to the repair of their broken self with gold (a pretty neat concept huh?!).

As a part of that journey .. comes the recognition that in the process of repairing things that have been broken, we can create something more unique, beautiful and resilient.

By collecting each of the pieces that have made me whole, by patching them back together... and by adding ‘a little something to the mix’ I was supposed to have made myself UNBREAKABLE for the future. 

BUT … today I don’t feel unbreakable!

I feel positively fragile …..

Thankfully I do know that it is ok to feel a little shaky right now.

I always try to listen to what I am being told in any given situation (I guess that is the therapist in me), and something that this current scenario is reminding me … is that the goal of my healing is to be malleable, resilient; someone flexible enough to bend with the wind, and yet strong enough to take control of my life .. without being blown off course by my feelings, urges or circumstances.

I think that is what is key to this current rite of passage for me … is the knowledge that being unbreakable doesn’t mean that I can’t be broken .. it simply means that being broken doesn’t make me less than .. it doesn’t make me weaker … my cracks and repairs simply make me rarer, more beautiful, and more storied than the original me.

A turning point in my struggle with ill health was embracing the concept of survivorship medicine, and what it means to me moving from being a survivor to a thriver. Although the struggle is real and the fear can be paralyzing .. It is me and only me who can get up each day and decide how I chose to live my life.

In this moment I chose to be grateful.