Princess for a Day - Bittersweet Birthday !!!!Mar 26, 2022
Spending my birthday in hospital, having just had surgery was a bittersweet experience. I am not, and never have been a big one for birthdays, so it was less about feeling that I had missed out on something and more about what this represented with regards my journey from poor to improving health.
Despite feeling so well, and being incredibly grateful for that gift; the gift remained a further reminder of the hard truth; that I was sick again, and although being in an 'upswing,' I am tired of the fight.
Despite being on the 'other-side' of this, for today; the battle is exhausting.
I had the delight of multiple 'zoom' calls during the day from friends and family around the world, and it was not lost on me how much I am loved. It is hard with that in mind to not sound ungrateful when I say there were a few moments where feeling sorry for myself was alive and well (as alive and well as me ironically!!)
Truly, I am not ungrateful for being here today, for the amazing calls, zoom parties and messages from people, I am not not ungrateful to have had what has been a successful (thus far) medical intervention ... with an amazing medical team.
Gratitude aside for a second though; there really have been so confusing emotions to work through today. Gratitude being one of them.
SHAME - the shame of being constantly sick, and sick again, in hospital, and in hospital again has been an ongoing struggle for me. Can anyone relate?
One of my early Gastroenterology Specialists told me my issues 'were all in my head' and a therapist I met at a conference when I recounted my story told me 'wow you must have been a real bitch in your past life to have to come back and live this!!!' There comments hit my core wounds from childhood and these intrusive thoughts still come up when I am faced with my 'fallibility' and they stop me dead in my tracks.
But isn't that interesting?
If I was my own therapist (I can't afford me by the way 😉 ) I would ask why I see my health in terms of 'fallibility.' Being ill isn't about the 'tendency to make mistakes or to be wrong'. I think 'human' or 'mortal' or 'a little broken' or 'wounded,' might perhaps be more fitting describer of what I was going though than 'being wrong' because I was sick.
But here go those intrusive, unkind words that I attached to the meaning of my sickness. OMG - I would never say that to anyone one else. I would never be so cruel.
I'd like to think I have come a long way with how I feel about myself and how I perceive my body's betrayal of me; but I am human and my humanness can get messy at these challenging times.
In my courses and books I talk a lot about going from being a victim to a survivor and from a survivor to a thriver; as well as the steps necessary to thrive in adversity and show your beauty in your resilience.
Bodily Mastery - the ability to take controls of one's life without being blown off course (by feelings, urges and circumstance) requires us to create a healthy relationship with ourselves; to challenge our negative self-talk and understand OUR tools FOR change. This includes; showing up for ourselves with self-compassion, turning hope into belief and 'that in repairing the broken self with GOLD; we create something more unique, more beautiful and resilient than before.'
My key takeaway from this is to embrace my fallibility (joke) .. my humanness thus becoming unbreakable in the future (read my last log on being moldable to understand my definition of unbreakable)
But just for today (written 19th March 2022 - my birthday) I am going to embrace these confusing feelings; and allow myself the grace to be human, possibly even a little fragile!
In order for my cells to recover and to grow new healthy ones, I am going to believe I have the POWER to be STRONG, POSITIVE & HAPPY 💕 💖
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